Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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