i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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