so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
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im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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