You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize