Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
