your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
