Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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