i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
