I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
