I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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