I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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