She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
