worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
