Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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