sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
