eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
