You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
