can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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