its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
