im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
