I wish my penis had an off switch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I lost the right to judge tonight
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
