Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
