someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
