How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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