Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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