Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
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You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?