What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
