It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
