I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
