I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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