He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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