And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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