My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
