So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your penis caused this!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
