See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
