Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
