Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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