That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
