The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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