I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You pole danced in your parka.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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