btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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