is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
