i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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