it wasn't lemon gatorade
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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