I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
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If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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