I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The police scanner is talking about you again....
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
