You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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