I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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