**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
