She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
