Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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