I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
