so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
