My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
