Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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